Tuesday, May 6, 2014

The time I made new best friends....

Name: Chris
Occupation: I.T.
Looks- Average

I moved to Cleveland May  2012 and was excited to meet some new people since I only had two friends here. I figured I would let one of those friends (the computer)  hook me up (or in online terms HMU ha ha).
Chris and I exchanged some emails and he seemed pretty lame so I did not expect much from meeting him.. Since I knew he was going to suck I didn’t want to put forth much effort. I did not want to get my car out of the garage (which is located one street over). So I told him to meet me at a bar down the street so I could walk there. (I know I am an asshole).
Now, I have been on a TON of dates some good, some bad and some horrible. I always try to make the best of them even the ones who suck because the way I see it I already have make up on and a decent outfit the least I can do is share a beer and try to find some common ground for an hour.
It was obvious that Chris and I did not have any common ground. We didn’t even have any common dirt.
During this date Chris decided to chat about how much he does not believe in God.
Listen, I don’t care! If you want to burn in hell that is your business, not mine. Ha ha ha.
If you know me, you know you “got to love Jesus to get into these pants” (as much as I would like to take credit for that saying…it isn’t mine). Atheists are the Jehovah’s Witnesses of non believers!
Anyway, the point is drink your beer and tell me how much you love Office Space.

Talking to Chris was painful.
I had two options. I could listen to Chris continue his rant or kill myself.
After thinking about it I decided my mom would probably be upset if I killed myself so I decided to tell him I was meeting my friends at the gay bar across the street.
This was a lie because I only had two friends. One of those friends was at home sitting on the counter the other friend was out of town.
The conversation was like this.
Me: “Ok, well I am meeting my friends across the street so I have to go after this beer.”
C: “Ok, so how does this work? Do I go with you or what?”
Me: (WTF?)  “Uhhhh, actually this is just a friend thing.”

Now, I thought that I could say good bye and walk back home to hang out with my friend the computer but noooooooo.

C: “I parked across the street so I will walk you over.”

Ok, now I thought oh, I will walk with him to his car in the parking lot and then walk home but nooooooooo.

Dude parked right in front of the door the gay bar!!!! ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!

So, now I have to go into the gay bar alone. I figured I will have one drink and then walk back home to hang out with my best friend Computer.

But guess what?!
The music took control of me and one beer turned into 15. The next thing you know, some gay guys want to motorboat my boobs but then some rando walking past the bar flashes everyone… full frontal.

I met some new people that night that I still hang out with! So it was a good time after all.

The next morning I projectile vomited on the walls of a fast food restaurant.