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Monday, February 6, 2012

You want to eat my what?

Last night I got this email from this winner. I don't know his name but he indicated on his profile that he drinks "often". My dad likes to drink "often" so we are going to call him Dennis (after my father). Wait, you know what, I started typing the conversation out and I just can't use my fathers name, its way to creepy. Lets just call this fool. Tom.

When I got all these emails, I was going to ignore them and go to bed......but, I just couldn’t. Enjoy.
Dennis: TOM:I want to eat your pu$$y.

WOW! Really? First email huh? No hi, or anything, just right to the point huh. My favorite part is that he was bold enough to type that but not bold enough to spell out the word. What a gentleman.
I guess he figures if he throws it out there enough he will eventually catch something ......I am sure he will, it will probably be an STD.

Me: What is pu$$y?

Dennis: Tom: Do you squirt? Do you get wet?!

WOW! Seriously there is NOTHING in my profile that would give anyone any reason to email me these kind of emails. And no, I don't look like a whore in any of my pictures....I mostly just look like a loser in all of them.

Me: I think you meant to ask me if I have ever had the refreshing beverage Squirt. Wow! I can't believe anyone other than me even remembers that soda! Yes! Yes, I have had the delicious citrus carbonated goodness of Squirt. Thank for asking me such an odd question, you must really be interested in getting to know me. As for your other question about getting wet. Yes, when swimming, if I am caught out in the rain without an umbrella or if I am involved in a water balloon fight, I do get wet. I have a funny story about water balloons......lets just say you should NOT freeze them before throwing them at someone. Anyway, thank you for such thoughtful questions.

Tom: I want to eat your ass!

WOAH! We got a nasty one on the line! Emailing someone and asking to ATM them (Ass To Mouth)...who are these dudes?! Look, you need to go to Craigslist with the rest of the perverts.

Me: HA. I think you meant to type BASS. I bet you are very embarrassed now huh? Ha. Don't be, that’s an easy mistake. I mean even though the "A" is on the home typing row and you hit it with your pinky and the "B" is in the bottom and you hit it with your pointer, I guess it could happen. Anyway, sorry to disappoint you, but I have not made any Bass or any fish dishes for that matter so it is impossible for you to eat my delicious Bass.

Tom: You are kidding me, you can't be serious

Me: What do you mean? I don't understand

Tom: WTFE! This means what the fuck ever

Me: What does that mean?

______________________________________
He was actually pretty easy to run off.

That was fun. Now lets analyze his profile.

I am probly the most underestimated and confusing person to understand (Probably because you do not use spell check), I look ferocious (If by ferocious, you mean white trash then yes you do)but am a gentle giant (Uh, no, you are 5'10!) lol, I have a pitbull named (of course you do), Z---- (Really? Your Pitbulls name starts with a Z. Is there a white trash handbook out there that tells you how to be White Trash ?)...I own my own house and car (Why do people think this is something to brag about? YOU ARE AN ADULT, you should have a house and a car),  I tired of girls who just want to rush into a relationship b4 gettting to know me completely (I am sure after they  got to know you, they would not want to be in a relationship with you), (Also, how are you going to get mad at some poor  girl with Down Syndrome who would agree to date you? You just solicited me to let you eat my ass)I am a better friend than a relationship guy at first but not afraid to see where things go. Ask me more Im an open book.

I think you mean that you are a better friend to girls than a boyfriend. Which is weird because I am sure if we were friends you would still want to eat my ass. It would be weird... I imagine we would be going to watch a movie and the whole time you would be saying "yo girl, let me stick my face in your butt". Or maybe you mean that you don't want a relationship, you just want to eat ass. I don't know. I do know that if you were a book, I would burn you.




1 comment:

D Entertainment said...

dongtam
mu moi ra hom nay
tim phong tro
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nhac san cuc manh
tổng đài tư vấn luật
văn phòng luật hà nội
tổng đài tư vấn luật
thành lập công ty trọn gói
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chém gió
trung tâm tiếng anh

Ai Thác Áo vẻ mặt tươi cười:

“Hôm nay món đấu giá đầu tiên của chúng ta là một thứ mà thương hội phải trải qua trăm ngàn gian khó mới từ phương nam vương quốc xa xôi A Tạp Địch Á vận chuyển đến cực bắc hoang nguyên này. Đây là một món ăn, cam đoan nhiều vị ở đây chưa từng thưởng thức qua, cho dù là ngay tại các vương quốc nhân loại nó cũng là cực kì trân quí, chỉ có quý tộc cấp cao mới có cơ hội hưởng thụ qua.”

“Đến từ A Tạp Địch Á? Là thứ gì vậy?“

Lòng hiếu kì của Diệp Âm Trúc không khỏi bị hấp dẫn.

“Món này màu trong suốt như phỉ thúy, tràn ngập sinh mạng khí tức, nó chính là một đại biểu của một loại thực vật cao quý đến từ phụ cận Lộ Na thành, thủ đô của vương quốc A Tạp Địch Á, một món đặc sản từ biển, măng phỉ thúy, xin mời các vị xem qua.“

Vừa nói, Ai Thác Áo nhìn ánh mắt mọi người đang trở nên mãnh liệt tò mò, nhanh tay lật tấm vải phủ trên xe đẩy xuống.