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Tuesday, February 28, 2012

The Smell of Crotch.............................................Rocket.

Name John
Age 27
Looks: 6 out of 10


I woke up and decided to go for a run at the nearby park. While at the park, I spotted a guy with a dog in the distance. At the time, I did not have a dog and was dog crazy. I wanted to meet the guy but he was on the other side of the park. There was only one thing I could do, I started running like I was being chased. I caught my breath and then did my best “omg this dog is so cute, omg, omg yahh omg omg omg omg yah omg” or something like that. We made small talk for a bit and then he asked if I would want to go out sometime. As I was leaving he said “so if I call you, are you going to remember who I am” he could obviously tell by the look on my face, I did not remember his name even though it had not even been an hour since he introduced himself . I was super embarrassed and convinced that he thought I was retarded (I am). I may not have remembered his name, but I did remember the name of his dog.I should have been less worried about sounding like a retard and more concerned as to why a guy would ask me out despite the fact  I had not brushed my hair and  was wearing my beloved Old Navy sweatshirt with the neck cut out. ( Kelli Kapowski style.) 








He was able to overlook my attire and see me for the stunning knock out that I am. Just like I was able to overlook the fact that he was unemployed and living at home with his parents as a way to “help them out”.     (I was not aware that freeloading off your parents was considered helping them )  He called and asked me if I wanted to go “four wheeling in West Virginia, with him and his friends”. I am in NO way above four wheeling. I love to get drunk off of shitty beer while dodging trees at a high speed. (Helmet on of course!). However, I did not know this guy and I sure as shit didn’t  know his friends.  As far as I was concerned, he basically just asked “Hey do you want to go into the woods with me and my friends and then get gang banged ?” Needless to say, I put the kibosh on the gang bang option of the date fast. I mean, I may get gang banged, but its going to be a sneak attack, not something I basically agreed to do in the woods. (I have been to West Virginia). Then he asked me if I wanted to go “tubing down the river”. Again, nothing is more fun then getting drunk off of shitty beer and  sun baking your way down the river, but this did not sound like a good first date. I mean any other time,I would be packing the cooler and caking on the SPF 40, but not on a first date. What the hell am I going to do if I realize I hate you and I am stuck floating down a river with you for 4 hours. I can’t really float faster.

 If you notice, all of the things he suggested have something in common…..yes, they are all outdoor redneck activities…they are also FREE activities.  I am not bashing him, I would have been  more than happy to have done both of his suggestions at a later time, but not on a first date. If he didn’t have any money, he should not have asked me out (KIDDING) he could have suggested something less creepy like getting coffee or going to the park to walk his adorable dog.



We made plans to go out for dinner (two days later). The day that we were supposed to go out was cold, and cloudy. He called a couple of hours before date time and this is how the conversation went.

We talked a few minutes about how nasty the weather was and how it was supposed to rain.
Mid conversation he asked me if I had ever been on a motorcycle. I said if by motorcycle, you mean Harley then yes … but if by motorcycle you mean Crotch Rocket, no.  He proceeded to talk about his Crotch Rocket for 27 hours. (Look, I think crotch rockets are great  but we all have to accept there are certain things we were not made to do. One of the things I am not made to do is sit on the back of a crotch rocket. I am almost 5’10 I do not belong on a seat the size of a Tic-Tac. I have long legs and a big head, I am not trying to tip anything over. The back “seats” of Crotch Rockets were made for little Asian girls. Its sad and hurts my heart but these are the facts of life. My head has been this size since birth (my mom still can't walk right) I have accepted it.
Of course, I did not tell him that I was afraid my giant head would tip his bike, I pointed out that it was cold and probably going to start raining in the next hour (which we had just discussed.)
Well, this sent him into a blind screaming rage. “OH MY GOD, I HAVE ALREADY TAKEN THE MOTORCYCLE OUT TODAY AND I ALREADY SMELL LIKE MOTORCYCLE (I don’t know what this means) AND IF WE DON’T TAKE THE BIKE, I HAVE TO GO TAKE A SHOWER AND PUT GAS IN THE TRUCK AND I DON’T HAVE MONEY TO PUT GAS IN THE TRUCK”
Now, if he flies off the handle because I don’t want to ride the bike and because he has to spend money, how is he going to act when he buys me dinner and doesn’t get any of my sweet, sweet deserts (my desserts are actually gross and bitter, but you get the point).
I politely told him that we should wait until another day. Then he started screaming I KNEW THIS WOULD HAPPEN, I KNOW SOMETHING WOULD HAPPEN TO PREVENT US FROM GOING OUT, I JUST KNEW IT.  (uh, yeah dude, yourself.)
I hung up the phone all scared like, while looking out the window to see if he was on the other side giving me a dead stare. To this day, whenever I hear the buzz of a Crotch Rocket I cringe and wonder if the driver “smells like motorcycle”.