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Sunday, February 5, 2012

Despite what your friend tells you, I did NOT sexually harrass her.

Name- Eli
Age-30
Occupation- Retail
Height- 5'10
Looks- 6 out of 10

As I sit here and write this while drinking my coffee and dealing with a headache, I realize there is a great possibility that Eli will see this post. Eli, if you are reading this, don't be offended. I have to tell this story for a couple of reasons. People want to know and it's a funny story. What do you expect from me? I am a comic. That being said, I am going to tell this story like it happened. As always, I will also include the parts that even make me look bad. Here goes.

Eli and I went out a couple of weeks ago for Sushi. He was not as tall as I like them, and he was average looking, but he was funny. He picked up the tab for Sushi which was an upgrade from most of my dates.

We ended the night with a hug and went our separate ways. Oh, I forgot to mention Eli is deaf, not 100% Marlee Matlin deaf but he is deaf. To be honest, you could barely tell, he could talk.

Over the week we texted and he asked me to go out again the following week.

We decided to meet for lunch. Things were going well, I am not going to lie, I thought he was a cool guy. After lunch we go out for drinks. We are talking, laughing and having a good time. Then he said "last night, you asked me what I was doing and I don't know why I didn’t tell you, but I was on a date" Woah dude, I don't care if you are on a date or not, you aren’t my boyfriend and this is our second date, do you know how many dates I went on in the past week (None, but still)

He said that he got annoyed because he drove about 30 minutes away because he thought it was "a sure thing" and then she did not put out. Why are you telling me this?!

So that reminded me of a story about a crazy girl I know who banged some guy on the first date and then got upset that it did not turn into a relationship. I said the girls name which is VERY uncommon name but for this story we will call her Sally. So Eli was like "Sally who? Did she used to work at____"

Long story short, yes she did and so did one of my good friends and about 10 other people that I know. So, you know I sent a text to all my friends that worked at ____ I texted about 7 people asking them if they knew Eli. I got these texts back:

"Ask him how long he nailed Sally for?

"Ask him if he still records himself having sex with co workers in the office and then lets everyone watch it".

"Yeah, I used to work with him, he sexually harassed everyone at work and got in trouble many times for it".

"Is he still wearing his ankle bracelet from when he got arrested for stealing from work?"

"Yeah, he had a green card marriage with some girl."
THIS IS MY LIFE!!!!!!

Up until this point I had not smoked, sometimes I smoke when I drink but I had not because I did not want him to know. Well, as I am getting bombarded with text reviews about Eli, the smokers were passing me to go outside. I went outside. As we are smoking, I am telling the random smokers about this. They love it, they are laughing, they think its hilarious blah blah blah. They love me. I am their Queen! We go back inside Eli is gone, I thought he had ditched me (I would not have blamed him, I mean he probably knew that I knew all his dirt). However he just went to the bathroom, probably to text crazy Sally to tell her he was on a date with me.

The smokers are still loving me, and start buying us shots!

Now somewhere between them loving me and buying Eli and me shots they change their mind and decide that I am not worthy of their love anymore. I am guessing Eli worked his charm on them. A charming deaf guy will always win the love of the crowd. Before I know it, I am getting lectured "You are a mean bitch, you are treating that guy like shit (I was not, I was still there with him, acting like I didn’t know he was a felon). I guess since I told them that I was going to "ride the free drink train" for a while that made me a bitch. However 20 minutes before that they were sending me free drinks too.

The crowd that was giving me shots and cigarettes had decided that I was a devil bitch. "I have a ten year old daughter and I teach her to treat people the way she wants to be treated, and you need to do that too" WHOAH, now I am getting lectured by a drunk mom.

I was to drunk to ask her how she would feel if her daughter was on a date with a creeper who taped his co workers having sex. And I just really wanted a cigarette so I was trying to say what they wanted me to say, but they were not falling for it. I did say, "he should be glad that I am still here" but then they said "YOU should be glad that he is still here with you". WHAT THE HELL, I WAS BEING NICE TO HIM, I WAS STILL THERE AND ACTLING LIKE I DIDNT KNOW ABOUT ALL THE CREEPY STUFF HE DID ..... HOW AM I THE BAD GUY? Now, I am not proud of this in no way, but some how Eli and I started making out....then I invited him to come back to my house. Why? I don't know!!!! I have never in my life asked a guy I was on a date with to come back to my house. FACTS, WHY WOULD I LIE TO Y'ALL ?

Eli said "I would love to but I have to stay here with my friends". Oh, yeah I forgot to mention two of his friends showed up to witness my drunkenness and hear some random bar folk tell me what a mean bitch I was. It was time for me to leave. Eli had worked his charm on the smokers.... (they say Ted Bundy was an extrememly charming man as well)
I had to get out of there I was Frankenstein's Monster and the only thing the smokers were missing were torches.

Soooooooooo, after I pulled over in some random sub division, popped a squat and peed for what seemed like 30 minutes, I found my way to my friends house, who made sure I got home safely.

Now, I didnt think I would ever hear from Eli again, but sure enough he started texting me this morning.
He said that he really wanted to come home with me but he already had plans with his friends I told him that he would have been disappointed because we would have just played darts all night to which he replied "I would have raped you.......in darts". Uhhhhhh, I think that he though that I was using "play darts" as euphemism. I am sure he knows that I know about all his dirty secrets, I don't know why he would continue to text me..I guess he, unlike me has no shame. This morning, I am full of shame and not because I peed in a sub division camping style.

The latest text I got from him "The friends you made at the bar were cool" FML



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