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Thursday, March 28, 2013

I don't know what a comma is or boundries


Friday, April 27, 2012

Your Boyfriend Is Gay


Most of these have all been said to me by an ex boyfriend.



1-When you catch him browsing M4M (Male for Male) on Craig’s List his response is that "the profiles with dick pictures make him laugh."

2- On movie night, you want to watch The Change Up, he wants to watch Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.

3- On Valentines Day, you put on something sexy, he says “Can’t we do it tomorrow?”.

4- When your gay friend comes over to your house his Grindr application indicates that the nearest gay man is 2 feet away. The only other person in the house is your boyfriend.

5- The week he goes out of town every year to “visit family” also happens to be Gay Pride Week. You are never invited.   

6- He always has carpet burn on his knees.

7- When you go to bed, he builds what he calls a “Pillow Fort”, you are told to stay on your own side of the fort

8-He prefers to visit a male massage therapist because “their hands are stronger”.

9- Your panties continue to disappear; he says he has no clue where they are.   

10- He thinks sports are “dumb” but turns down sex to play Fat Princess all night on PlayStation.

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Im running out of gross things to say.


If a girl ignores your first three emails, chances are she does not want to have sex with you. 


Sunday, March 18, 2012

Good Response

"Why are you single" is the dumbest question you can ask someone who is single. I don't know what his response has to do with my answer or his question.

You basically have three choices ......


You can come over to my house for some of the worst tasting beer ever made or we can go to Dicks Sporting Goods or TJ MAX.
He said "Im not trying to get you over to my house" sooooo was he hoping to take the mentioned "Bud Light" and "Three Olives Vodka" to TJ Max?

This is the caliber of men who email me.

Tuesday, February 28, 2012

The Smell of Crotch.............................................Rocket.

Name John
Age 27
Looks: 6 out of 10


I woke up and decided to go for a run at the nearby park. While at the park, I spotted a guy with a dog in the distance. At the time, I did not have a dog and was dog crazy. I wanted to meet the guy but he was on the other side of the park. There was only one thing I could do, I started running like I was being chased. I caught my breath and then did my best “omg this dog is so cute, omg, omg yahh omg omg omg omg yah omg” or something like that. We made small talk for a bit and then he asked if I would want to go out sometime. As I was leaving he said “so if I call you, are you going to remember who I am” he could obviously tell by the look on my face, I did not remember his name even though it had not even been an hour since he introduced himself . I was super embarrassed and convinced that he thought I was retarded (I am). I may not have remembered his name, but I did remember the name of his dog.I should have been less worried about sounding like a retard and more concerned as to why a guy would ask me out despite the fact  I had not brushed my hair and  was wearing my beloved Old Navy sweatshirt with the neck cut out. ( Kelli Kapowski style.) 








He was able to overlook my attire and see me for the stunning knock out that I am. Just like I was able to overlook the fact that he was unemployed and living at home with his parents as a way to “help them out”.     (I was not aware that freeloading off your parents was considered helping them )  He called and asked me if I wanted to go “four wheeling in West Virginia, with him and his friends”. I am in NO way above four wheeling. I love to get drunk off of shitty beer while dodging trees at a high speed. (Helmet on of course!). However, I did not know this guy and I sure as shit didn’t  know his friends.  As far as I was concerned, he basically just asked “Hey do you want to go into the woods with me and my friends and then get gang banged ?” Needless to say, I put the kibosh on the gang bang option of the date fast. I mean, I may get gang banged, but its going to be a sneak attack, not something I basically agreed to do in the woods. (I have been to West Virginia). Then he asked me if I wanted to go “tubing down the river”. Again, nothing is more fun then getting drunk off of shitty beer and  sun baking your way down the river, but this did not sound like a good first date. I mean any other time,I would be packing the cooler and caking on the SPF 40, but not on a first date. What the hell am I going to do if I realize I hate you and I am stuck floating down a river with you for 4 hours. I can’t really float faster.

 If you notice, all of the things he suggested have something in common…..yes, they are all outdoor redneck activities…they are also FREE activities.  I am not bashing him, I would have been  more than happy to have done both of his suggestions at a later time, but not on a first date. If he didn’t have any money, he should not have asked me out (KIDDING) he could have suggested something less creepy like getting coffee or going to the park to walk his adorable dog.



We made plans to go out for dinner (two days later). The day that we were supposed to go out was cold, and cloudy. He called a couple of hours before date time and this is how the conversation went.

We talked a few minutes about how nasty the weather was and how it was supposed to rain.
Mid conversation he asked me if I had ever been on a motorcycle. I said if by motorcycle, you mean Harley then yes … but if by motorcycle you mean Crotch Rocket, no.  He proceeded to talk about his Crotch Rocket for 27 hours. (Look, I think crotch rockets are great  but we all have to accept there are certain things we were not made to do. One of the things I am not made to do is sit on the back of a crotch rocket. I am almost 5’10 I do not belong on a seat the size of a Tic-Tac. I have long legs and a big head, I am not trying to tip anything over. The back “seats” of Crotch Rockets were made for little Asian girls. Its sad and hurts my heart but these are the facts of life. My head has been this size since birth (my mom still can't walk right) I have accepted it.
Of course, I did not tell him that I was afraid my giant head would tip his bike, I pointed out that it was cold and probably going to start raining in the next hour (which we had just discussed.)
Well, this sent him into a blind screaming rage. “OH MY GOD, I HAVE ALREADY TAKEN THE MOTORCYCLE OUT TODAY AND I ALREADY SMELL LIKE MOTORCYCLE (I don’t know what this means) AND IF WE DON’T TAKE THE BIKE, I HAVE TO GO TAKE A SHOWER AND PUT GAS IN THE TRUCK AND I DON’T HAVE MONEY TO PUT GAS IN THE TRUCK”
Now, if he flies off the handle because I don’t want to ride the bike and because he has to spend money, how is he going to act when he buys me dinner and doesn’t get any of my sweet, sweet deserts (my desserts are actually gross and bitter, but you get the point).
I politely told him that we should wait until another day. Then he started screaming I KNEW THIS WOULD HAPPEN, I KNOW SOMETHING WOULD HAPPEN TO PREVENT US FROM GOING OUT, I JUST KNEW IT.  (uh, yeah dude, yourself.)
I hung up the phone all scared like, while looking out the window to see if he was on the other side giving me a dead stare. To this day, whenever I hear the buzz of a Crotch Rocket I cringe and wonder if the driver “smells like motorcycle”.

Monday, February 6, 2012

You want to eat my what?

Last night I got this email from this winner. I don't know his name but he indicated on his profile that he drinks "often". My dad likes to drink "often" so we are going to call him Dennis (after my father). Wait, you know what, I started typing the conversation out and I just can't use my fathers name, its way to creepy. Lets just call this fool. Tom.

When I got all these emails, I was going to ignore them and go to bed......but, I just couldn’t. Enjoy.
Dennis: TOM:I want to eat your pu$$y.

WOW! Really? First email huh? No hi, or anything, just right to the point huh. My favorite part is that he was bold enough to type that but not bold enough to spell out the word. What a gentleman.
I guess he figures if he throws it out there enough he will eventually catch something ......I am sure he will, it will probably be an STD.

Me: What is pu$$y?

Dennis: Tom: Do you squirt? Do you get wet?!

WOW! Seriously there is NOTHING in my profile that would give anyone any reason to email me these kind of emails. And no, I don't look like a whore in any of my pictures....I mostly just look like a loser in all of them.

Me: I think you meant to ask me if I have ever had the refreshing beverage Squirt. Wow! I can't believe anyone other than me even remembers that soda! Yes! Yes, I have had the delicious citrus carbonated goodness of Squirt. Thank for asking me such an odd question, you must really be interested in getting to know me. As for your other question about getting wet. Yes, when swimming, if I am caught out in the rain without an umbrella or if I am involved in a water balloon fight, I do get wet. I have a funny story about water balloons......lets just say you should NOT freeze them before throwing them at someone. Anyway, thank you for such thoughtful questions.

Tom: I want to eat your ass!

WOAH! We got a nasty one on the line! Emailing someone and asking to ATM them (Ass To Mouth)...who are these dudes?! Look, you need to go to Craigslist with the rest of the perverts.

Me: HA. I think you meant to type BASS. I bet you are very embarrassed now huh? Ha. Don't be, that’s an easy mistake. I mean even though the "A" is on the home typing row and you hit it with your pinky and the "B" is in the bottom and you hit it with your pointer, I guess it could happen. Anyway, sorry to disappoint you, but I have not made any Bass or any fish dishes for that matter so it is impossible for you to eat my delicious Bass.

Tom: You are kidding me, you can't be serious

Me: What do you mean? I don't understand

Tom: WTFE! This means what the fuck ever

Me: What does that mean?

______________________________________
He was actually pretty easy to run off.

That was fun. Now lets analyze his profile.

I am probly the most underestimated and confusing person to understand (Probably because you do not use spell check), I look ferocious (If by ferocious, you mean white trash then yes you do)but am a gentle giant (Uh, no, you are 5'10!) lol, I have a pitbull named (of course you do), Z---- (Really? Your Pitbulls name starts with a Z. Is there a white trash handbook out there that tells you how to be White Trash ?)...I own my own house and car (Why do people think this is something to brag about? YOU ARE AN ADULT, you should have a house and a car),  I tired of girls who just want to rush into a relationship b4 gettting to know me completely (I am sure after they  got to know you, they would not want to be in a relationship with you), (Also, how are you going to get mad at some poor  girl with Down Syndrome who would agree to date you? You just solicited me to let you eat my ass)I am a better friend than a relationship guy at first but not afraid to see where things go. Ask me more Im an open book.

I think you mean that you are a better friend to girls than a boyfriend. Which is weird because I am sure if we were friends you would still want to eat my ass. It would be weird... I imagine we would be going to watch a movie and the whole time you would be saying "yo girl, let me stick my face in your butt". Or maybe you mean that you don't want a relationship, you just want to eat ass. I don't know. I do know that if you were a book, I would burn you.




FACT

Sunday, February 5, 2012

The time I could have gotten Herpes.



Name: Travis


Age-29

Looks- 9 out of 10

So my boss was friends with Travis and after he met me, he wanted to make me his women (duh, who doesn’t?). Travis was really cute and tall, so I was open to the possibility of becoming his women. He started coming by my job on days that he knew I would be there (stalking me, ha ha just kidding). Anyway we started talking on the phone, we were on our way to planning a date. One night while on the phone, we were both watching the same tv show and therefore had the same commercials. All of a sudden a commercial for Genital Herpes medication came on. So I am laughing and I said "Wow, having herpes would really suck." Then Travis replied with "Yeah, it does". I waited for the laughter, I waited for, JUST KIDDING, I waited for a minute but he never said any of that. How was I supposed to respond to that? My boss must have really hated me because I think she knew he had Herpes.

Ok, so then we hung up the phone and I NEVER talked to him again. Let me make it clear, I did NOT have sex with Travis and therefore do NOT have Herpes. Ok, everyone, I do not have herpes, Travis does and Herpes is a deal breaker for me.

Thank you.

Despite what your friend tells you, I did NOT sexually harrass her.

Name- Eli
Age-30
Occupation- Retail
Height- 5'10
Looks- 6 out of 10

As I sit here and write this while drinking my coffee and dealing with a headache, I realize there is a great possibility that Eli will see this post. Eli, if you are reading this, don't be offended. I have to tell this story for a couple of reasons. People want to know and it's a funny story. What do you expect from me? I am a comic. That being said, I am going to tell this story like it happened. As always, I will also include the parts that even make me look bad. Here goes.

Eli and I went out a couple of weeks ago for Sushi. He was not as tall as I like them, and he was average looking, but he was funny. He picked up the tab for Sushi which was an upgrade from most of my dates.

We ended the night with a hug and went our separate ways. Oh, I forgot to mention Eli is deaf, not 100% Marlee Matlin deaf but he is deaf. To be honest, you could barely tell, he could talk.

Over the week we texted and he asked me to go out again the following week.

We decided to meet for lunch. Things were going well, I am not going to lie, I thought he was a cool guy. After lunch we go out for drinks. We are talking, laughing and having a good time. Then he said "last night, you asked me what I was doing and I don't know why I didn’t tell you, but I was on a date" Woah dude, I don't care if you are on a date or not, you aren’t my boyfriend and this is our second date, do you know how many dates I went on in the past week (None, but still)

He said that he got annoyed because he drove about 30 minutes away because he thought it was "a sure thing" and then she did not put out. Why are you telling me this?!

So that reminded me of a story about a crazy girl I know who banged some guy on the first date and then got upset that it did not turn into a relationship. I said the girls name which is VERY uncommon name but for this story we will call her Sally. So Eli was like "Sally who? Did she used to work at____"

Long story short, yes she did and so did one of my good friends and about 10 other people that I know. So, you know I sent a text to all my friends that worked at ____ I texted about 7 people asking them if they knew Eli. I got these texts back:

"Ask him how long he nailed Sally for?

"Ask him if he still records himself having sex with co workers in the office and then lets everyone watch it".

"Yeah, I used to work with him, he sexually harassed everyone at work and got in trouble many times for it".

"Is he still wearing his ankle bracelet from when he got arrested for stealing from work?"

"Yeah, he had a green card marriage with some girl."
THIS IS MY LIFE!!!!!!

Up until this point I had not smoked, sometimes I smoke when I drink but I had not because I did not want him to know. Well, as I am getting bombarded with text reviews about Eli, the smokers were passing me to go outside. I went outside. As we are smoking, I am telling the random smokers about this. They love it, they are laughing, they think its hilarious blah blah blah. They love me. I am their Queen! We go back inside Eli is gone, I thought he had ditched me (I would not have blamed him, I mean he probably knew that I knew all his dirt). However he just went to the bathroom, probably to text crazy Sally to tell her he was on a date with me.

The smokers are still loving me, and start buying us shots!

Now somewhere between them loving me and buying Eli and me shots they change their mind and decide that I am not worthy of their love anymore. I am guessing Eli worked his charm on them. A charming deaf guy will always win the love of the crowd. Before I know it, I am getting lectured "You are a mean bitch, you are treating that guy like shit (I was not, I was still there with him, acting like I didn’t know he was a felon). I guess since I told them that I was going to "ride the free drink train" for a while that made me a bitch. However 20 minutes before that they were sending me free drinks too.

The crowd that was giving me shots and cigarettes had decided that I was a devil bitch. "I have a ten year old daughter and I teach her to treat people the way she wants to be treated, and you need to do that too" WHOAH, now I am getting lectured by a drunk mom.

I was to drunk to ask her how she would feel if her daughter was on a date with a creeper who taped his co workers having sex. And I just really wanted a cigarette so I was trying to say what they wanted me to say, but they were not falling for it. I did say, "he should be glad that I am still here" but then they said "YOU should be glad that he is still here with you". WHAT THE HELL, I WAS BEING NICE TO HIM, I WAS STILL THERE AND ACTLING LIKE I DIDNT KNOW ABOUT ALL THE CREEPY STUFF HE DID ..... HOW AM I THE BAD GUY? Now, I am not proud of this in no way, but some how Eli and I started making out....then I invited him to come back to my house. Why? I don't know!!!! I have never in my life asked a guy I was on a date with to come back to my house. FACTS, WHY WOULD I LIE TO Y'ALL ?

Eli said "I would love to but I have to stay here with my friends". Oh, yeah I forgot to mention two of his friends showed up to witness my drunkenness and hear some random bar folk tell me what a mean bitch I was. It was time for me to leave. Eli had worked his charm on the smokers.... (they say Ted Bundy was an extrememly charming man as well)
I had to get out of there I was Frankenstein's Monster and the only thing the smokers were missing were torches.

Soooooooooo, after I pulled over in some random sub division, popped a squat and peed for what seemed like 30 minutes, I found my way to my friends house, who made sure I got home safely.

Now, I didnt think I would ever hear from Eli again, but sure enough he started texting me this morning.
He said that he really wanted to come home with me but he already had plans with his friends I told him that he would have been disappointed because we would have just played darts all night to which he replied "I would have raped you.......in darts". Uhhhhhh, I think that he though that I was using "play darts" as euphemism. I am sure he knows that I know about all his dirty secrets, I don't know why he would continue to text me..I guess he, unlike me has no shame. This morning, I am full of shame and not because I peed in a sub division camping style.

The latest text I got from him "The friends you made at the bar were cool" FML



Tuesday, December 27, 2011

I can bearly wait to meet!!!

So I get an email from a guy saying "Hi". I was not interested in speaking with him,so I did not respond. 
He follows up with a second email 
Him- let me give u oral sex.. i promise u will love it. i can do it forever. and i enjoy it
Seriously, who the hell are these guys? 
Me- Are you retarded
Him-  Why
I realized I could have some fun with him 
Me- Nevermind. Yes, Yes you can my vagina is really hairy 
Him-No problem, I will do whatever you like for as long as you like
Ugh, It is going to be hard to get rid of this one 
Me- I also have a large tattoo of a bear on my vagina
Him-really?.. wow never saw that... can u cum in the man's mouth?
That is his response to "large bear tattoo on my vagina?"Ugh
Me-Its a very large tattoo it covers my whole vagina and requires me to be hairy 
Him- mmmm do you have a picture? 
Me- Yes I do (which I got off the internet), Grrrrrrr

                              Photo Credit -http://freakgbp.blogspot.com/2011/04/tattoo-artist-sorted.html


Him- What is that? 
Me-My vagina bear tattoo, his name is Carl, do you like it?
Him- Yeah, lets meet
Me- I can't leave my house for the next couple of days, I am waiting on my orthopedic shoes to come in
Him- Ok, another time. 
Wow, the orthopedic shoes got him








 

Sunday, December 25, 2011

Stranger Danger

I had been texting with a guy we will call David blah blah blah he annoyed me. Yesterday I get an email from him on the dating site introducing himself.....uh, we just talked last week retard. Well then last night I get a text from him
Dude- What are you doing tonight? I want to see you girl.
(Huge pet peeve is when people call me girl, I have a name use it, or don't say anything at all, just say, "I want to see you")
Me- Who is this, I got a new phone (fact)
Dude- Its me David, I want to kick it with you tonight sexy girl, Movie and drinks at my place. (Uh, you are a 32 year old man white man, why are you saying kick it?, also Im not 15 I know what "movie" means, why don't you just say "do you want to come over for drinks and rape?")
Me- I don't go to strangers houses
Him- Well not sure what will be open tonight, we can meet in a public place
Me- I am in bed (11:30, Christmas Eve) and my family is in town
Him: Ha ha ha good one, ok have a good night .

Me-Uh, why is it so hard to believe that I am in bed at 11 30 and that my family is in town for Christmas? What kind of degenerate loser are you that you are available to meet a random person on Christmas Eve, go find a family and a life!

Merry Christmas 

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Afraid to Date

Name:Kevin
Age:31
Occupation: Banking

Kevin asked me to meet him for a drink, we confirmed a date and time. He was tall and cute, I pulled into the parking lot looking my best. As I was getting out of my car my phone rang, it was him. I assumed that he was calling to tell me where he was sitting, but I was wrong. As soon as I got out of my car I could see him running out of the bar...fast . He asked me where I was and told me that we would have to meet somewhere else. I was confused and while we stood in the parking lot he said " My ex girlfriend just walked into the bar, we have to go, we have to go now, I just live across the street lets just go over there". There was absolutely no way that I was about to go to the home of  someone  I had immediately diagnosed as  suffering from Paranoid Schizophrenia.  So once we got to his house ....KIDDING. I suggested that we go to another bar about 500 feet away. He said "yeah, I think that will be ok". During our drinks he was noticeably scared and upset, I ignored it because the drinks were free. I was kind of hoping she would show up and make a scene because from the fear Kevin had in his eyes I could only imagine how bad ass this girl must be. There was something about the way he kept looking over his shoulder and watching the door that told me his ex girlfriend would show him she disapproved of him dating with her fist. The conversation was kind of lame and I was only continuing to pretend like I was listening in hopes of the ex showing up. Unfortunately, that didn't happen. The closest I would ever get to meeting this girl was listening to Kevin tell stories about her. Despite his undeniable fear of this girl showing up,slaughtering him then drinking his beer when I said "maybe you two will get back together" he said " I doubt that will happen". The way he said it, I could tell he wanted her back. I was still intrigued... it was like a bad car wreck. This girl had obviously tore this guys heart out (even though he claimed he ended the relationship), she had obviously displayed a whole new level of crazy to him and yet I could tell he still wanted to reserve his seat on her crazy train.
We decided to call it a night. He walked me to my car while visually scanning the parking lot for any sign of his ex and then RAN to his car, I guess before she could get a good shot in. I am sure he also checked his back seat to make sure she was not hiding.
Girl, if you are out there, I bow to you, job well done. 

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Let's play a game!

Name: Michael


Occupation: Owns his own company, former sales person
Age: 33

Location: Starbucks and Wine Bar



As I write this, I am so mad that I can  barely form sentences, fuming. Michael and I agreed to meet at Starbucks for coffee. When I arrived, he was already getting his coffee, which was fine, but it would have been a nice gesture to wait on me to order. He obviously did this so he would not have to buy my coffee. This way he looked like he got there before me and just decided to get his coffee while he waited on me to arrive. That’s fine, I am a big girl, I can buy my own coffee. We sit down and start to chat. I won’t bore you with the conversation. I will say this, Michael had the most country accent I have ever heard. I am talking Boomhauer times 4. One sentence he said that I found amusing was "yea, I used to date one of dem der girls that worked at dat club Budder" for those of you who don't know Butter!.   However, I can’t really judge someone’s country accent seeing as how my southern twang is so pronounced that if I were ever on tv, I would need to be subtitled. Michael was cute, but not cute enough to get in my pants. I could also tell that he was an old school sales person. For those of you who don't know what an "old school sales person"  is think of a  used car salesman circa 1985, or someone who would open up the inside of their jacket and say "would you like to buy a watch". That is the kind of vibe he gave off.

While we spoke, I noticed it was hard for him to sit still, he was either nervous, tweeking on Meth or  had adult A.D.D. Judging from his random topic conversations, I am pretty sure he had A.D.D. I asked him what he did before he owned his own company, he told me that he worked for X company. It just so happened that I knew someone that worked at X company. So I text that person (later in my car as I was following Michael to the wine bar, not on the date).

The conversation was interesting enough. The way I saw it, I was already dressed and there, I might as well just continue to chat it up. He suggested a nice wine bar that we should go to, I like wine so I figured what the hell. *Side note - I know why he suggested coffee first. Guys have started doing this as a way to “screen” girls. If they like your face, they will suggest going somewhere else, if they don’t like you, then coffee is the date. Now, I had texted my friend “Do you know Michael Blank” to which my friend responded “I know of him, but I don’t know him” I said what do you know about him. My friend responded and said, “he is crazy” I said, “Crazy like me or crazy like Jeffery Dahmer ?” No response….uhhhh this probably isn’t good…..I SHOULD have turned my car around and went home.

We arrive at the wine bar and the atmosphere was awesome. Before we ordered wine Michael said, “I can tell you are an adventurous girl (duh) let's make a bet” . He said “ I will ask you five questions, you have to get all five questions WRONG, if you do, then I will buy our first round” Basically it would be questions like, “ What color is the sky” any answer other than blue would be correct. I knew of games like this. I agreed.

Question one : “ What state are we in ?”

Answer: South Carolina (We were in NC, so I got this one right)

Question two: “ What color are your eyes?”

Answer: Green (My eyes are brown, so I got this one right)

Him: Let me see, (looks closer) oh yeah, your eyes are beautiful (duh) , me - “I bet you say that to everyone” (He is obviously distracting me) him: no, but seriously have you ever played this game before?

Me- No… BOOM HE GOT ME! He sneaked a question into our conversation, and messed me up. I had never played the game before therefore, I should have said yes. Touché Michael, well played.

We order our wine.

We don’t ever order round two (which would have been the drinks he was supposed to pay for).

Tab comes, I really thought he would say something like “oh I was just kidding with you, I will get drinks”

He didn’t.

Now, I am not a gold digger looking for a meal ticket. I don’t ever suggest getting dinner on a first date because I would feel bad for letting a guy pay. I don’t order the most expensive thing, because I think that’s rude when someone else is paying. If a guy pays for the movie, I pay for snacks. I try not to take advantage of guys just because I have a vagina. I am not a stuck up b, but if a guy asked you out and it’s a first date, he should pay. Her most definitely should not trick you into paying for his drinks as well as yours.

I don’t get paid until the end of the week. I am broke. I certainly don’t have money to be spending on drinks let alone mine +1. I literally had to use my credit card to get these drinks.

We leave.

While walking out of the wine bar, I was in shock, I could not believe what had just happened to me.

Now if you will excuse me I have to go make sure he didn’t pick my pockets me while he walked me to my car. FML.

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

PicNic Boy

As I type this, I find myself asking myself "are you really going to tell strangers this story?” And the answer is...... I have came this far, the book has already been opened. Here goes......



Now this story is about 4 years old and I like to think this story ...... like a few other of my stories can be chalked up to being a young early 20 something. Moving on.....



Name: Harrison

Age-23 ish

Occupation: Banker



I don't even know where to begin. Ok let’s start with what you SHOULD not do when online dating.

You should NOT let someone know where you live or come to your house after one date.

You should not think that any phone call/text after 11pm is going to end with anything other than regret and shame.



Having said that, I had a date with Harrison we watched a movie. After the movie, he said "I really want to hang out with you longer, but I don't know what we can do". I suggested coffee....he said No, he didn’t drink coffee. He suggested we go back to my place and play my awesome Super Nintendo (shut up, I like old school toys). Now, refer to what you should NOT do above. I thought to myself I already sat in a dark theater with this dude, for two hours I practically know him (Im being sarcastic). In all honesty, we had been talking for a while and I felt comfortable....there wasn’t one of those "gut feelings " saying WARNING ...WARNING ... THIS GUY IS A RAPIST.



We go to my house for shitty beer and Mario 3, which I of course dominated in.

We make out, boy goes home, nothing interesting.

Two days later, I get a text after 11pm asking me if I wanted to "hang out". I thought, "you know what, you only live once, you just got out of a very long relationship, you are young, and kind of a goody goody, just because dude comes over with the expectation of sex, doesn’t mean you have to give sex" See above for things you should not do.

Boy comes over, we make out .... we make out a lot. I know I am not going to have sex with this guy but like I have stated in previous post......if a guy wants to go down on me ... who am I to deny him that? Afterwards, dude was not shy about expressing what he wanted me to do in return. My thoughts are you shouldn’t give a gift and expect one in return so I told him "no, its different for girls to do that". He was obviously not amused, rightfully so. As he was getting ready to leave and I was trying to make nice by sitting on his lap on the couch (I don't know why I am sitting on his lap, I just am, leave it alone). He said to me "well what do you want out of this? do you want a boyfriend? do you want to go on picnics and shit?". Now the voice in my head was saying "omg YES, I love picnics, OMG, OMG, OMG I love picnics and I love you omg, love me" but instead I said "ugh, nooooo".

He left, we didn’t talk much after that, I don’t know why ha.

Fast forward 4 years to an older and more knowledgeable HJ.

I had just got out of a relationship and one day I get a random text from Harrison.......I don't know how he knew I was single. We texted, for a while and he eventually asked me "what I was looking for". I said well " I want to date someone and eventually see where it goes" he said " me too" I said, "no you don't, you want to randomly hook up with someone"

He didn’t respond, neither did I. Needless to say, I am still waiting to go on a pic nic.

Saturday, September 24, 2011

Single, funny female with fat ass looking for a man

Name: Abe
Age:38
Profession: Banker
Personality:1 out of 10
Looks: 5 out of 10
As always, my notes to you are in yellow
Email from Abe:
I Just wanted to tell you I enjoyed your profile and want to know more about you if your interested. (he means you're) I am retarded but even I know the difference

There were a couple of blah blah blah emails, I will spare you.

Abe:So what is keeping you single right now? Have you found a good fit for you yet. My buddy said he saw you on another dating site. You are a catch so what gives??

I hate it when people say things like that, how do they know I am a "catch". This is the internet, I could be a 50 year old man, painting my toenails and living in my parents basement. Also, asking someone why they are single? Are you kidding me?!

Me:Yeah, I figured I would do multiple sites... you know .... maximize the chances of meeting someone cool  ... I'm also looking for guys at the grocery store, work, Walmart ha ha... you know, you can't put all your eggs in one basket. Whats keeping me single? Myself. I have not found anyone cool enough.....someone that makes me want to spend time with them over my dog. What about you ? Not only are you still single, but you have almost 10 years on me..... you have had way more time to hunt than I have ...... ?

BOOM- Don't bring your old ass to me trying to make me feel flawed because I'm still single. (I mean I obviously am, Im looking for dates online, but don't be pointing it out)

Him: Selective and believe in quality over quantity. Not many women can add up to what I want from one. So I will remain single till I find her.

(He better hurry up and settle before he is to old to penetrate anyone)

Me:Fair enough
Him:I find your profile amazingly funny. I also think you are very attractive. So do you date older men???
Me: If by old you mean 38, then yes
HA, I don't have  anything else going on.....and lets be honest, I am in no position to be picky....I don't want to end up 38 looking for dates online  Also, hell yeah my profile is funny!
Him: So you are open to dating me.
WOAH dude, calm the eff down
Me- Yes, I would be willing to go on a date with you.

We exchange numbers, he calls me at 10pm (Its Thursday, Jersey Shore is on, don't judge me, I like to watch shitty tv, I don't answer.)
Next day I get this text
Him: Are you married or do you have a boyfriend?
Wow, way to accuse someone. We have never met, and I don't answer one of his phone calls, I bet being his girlfriend would be awesome. This dude has the characteristics of a stage 5
Me: No to both, If I did, I don't think putting my face on an online dating site would be a smart idea seeing as how so many people utilize online dating .... I think that would be a fast way to get caught
I am a lot smarter than that
Him: LOL
Me: Im just not big on talking on the phone.
I am, just not while I'm watching trash tv
Him: I am, sorry
What a queer
Him: So have you been on a lot of dates from online
Me: I have been doing online dating on a off for a couple of years, I dated a guy for almost two years that I met from online dating.
Him: And? It went sour?
No, it went fucking wonderfully, that's why I am looking for love online now, this guy should just stop asking questions because it is obvious he has no common sense
Me:obvi
Him:Yeah, sorry you are a good catch
Me: Thanks
Him: It must have been hard.
No, it was the best time of my life, I wake up everyday wishing I could experience the breakup again. WOW.
Him: So what do you do for fun?
3 Hours later
Me: Sorry, I feel asleep...so for fun, naps, movies, concerts, live comedy, hiking. When I woke up, I discovered that my dog took a Guinness World Record dump in the floor...so mark cleaning up dog shit off of the list of things I do for fun
Nap- Fact World Record Dump- Fact. My dog never uses the bathroom in the house and let me tell you this one dump made up for him never using the bathroom in the house, it was not the way I wanted to wake up from my nap.
Him: Wow, sounds fun
Me: It was not, what are you doing
Him: Watching movies, Muppets in Space and Donnie Darko
From these movie choices he obviously smokes a lot of pot, or touches a lot of kids
Me:Nice
Him: And what are you doing?
Me: Watching Son- In- Law, and reading some blogs
From this movie choice I obviously like shitty movies
Him: So what do you really have to offer a man, just curious.....
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? I'm not about to sing and dance for anyone, plus I have the vagina, he should be trying to impress me
Me: Im funny and I have a fat ass
Men, form a line to the right. I mean, what am I supposed to say?  He read my profile,he said he enjoyed it, he said it was funny, he saw my picture,he said he thought I was attractive....if he wants to know more then we should meet me in person. I know the whole point of dating is to sell yourself,  but how about just letting it happen
Him- Fat ass?
Me: A big ass
Him: Horrible
I disagree, if I was a dude I would want to close the deal with a girl that was funny AND had a big ass.....
Me- Well, a nice ass 
Him: Maybe you are not wanting a man .....
I beg to differ read my answer to the above question "what do you have to offer a man"
Me: I just think "what you have to offer a man" is a stupid question, what do you have to offer a girl?
Again, I have the vagina, impress me
Him: funny, (I disagree), smart, good communication,spontaneous, caring, affectionate, and romantic
Me: Yes, but your question is dumb, all of this is just words anyone can say that
Seriously, you are not really going to know what someone has to offer until you meet them in person
Him: Hysterical
Me: Why ? I mean, I said I'm awesome, for all you know, I could be lame
Him: I see
Me: I just don't like questions like that - "What type of guy do you like? (dumb question), "why are you single?"(dumb question)
"what are you looking for?" (dumb question) All of these are dumb questions to ask someone before you have met them
I mean seriously, you may not be the kind of guy that I normally like, but I could be on a date with you and really like you , but if you ask me what kind of guy I like and I tell you...and its not the kind of guy you are, then we may never go out and we would have missed our chance. Why am I single? That is just a dumb question, no matter what.  What am I looking for? Well, I am on a dating site, so I am looking to date and my profile does not say anything about having random sex and you didn't find me Craigslist so I would say that I am obviously looking to date. I mean what kind of answer am I supposed to provide? Use some common sense.
Him: Dumb
Me: You think thats dumb
Him: LOL

Dudes, if you are looking for a girl that is funny and has a fat ass, I am still available ha ha haha. 

Thursday, September 22, 2011

GIRLY

This is one of the few stories I have that actually involves a hand job.
As always, my notes to the reader are in yellow.  Enjoy.

Name:Paul


Age: 24

Looks: 5

Personality:4



I met Paul a month post breakup, I was subconsciously looking for a rebound. I don’t think either one of us were each others types, but Paul had just got out of a relationship as well. We had our first “date” at a bar that ended with a long make out session.

Long story short, we had a couple more dates one of which ended with us drinking at his apartment. I brought over two bottles of red wine, it was time to drink.

We drank….and drank….and drank some more. The wine was gone and it was time to pass out.

We went to bed. I was extremely drunk, but I still knew I did not and was not going to have sex with this guy. That being said, if he wanted to go down on me, who was I to deny him. Ha. During the night, I remember feeling his dick and thinking “wow, that is really small”. We passed out. The next morning I thought “was his dick really that small, or did I just imagine it because I was drunk”?

Blah blah blah, we end up fooling around….and by that I mean he started jacking his tiny self off and encouraging me to help out. His dick was abnormally small, it was so small that I was afraid that he was going to see the pity in my eyes, it was so small I almost wanted to have sex with him just to see if it was even possible. If his dick was a beer bottle, it would have barely been the neck of the bottle. While jacking him off, his dick would slip out of my fist. All I had to do to get the job done was basically flick my wrist.. The whole situation was sad. It was sad for me that I was actually performing a hand job after the age of 15 and sad for him because he wasn’t aware that his dick was so small.

Paul did the weirdest thing I had ever seen while jacking off. I mean, I know every guy has their own way of doing it, but I still don’t understand.

While jacking off with his left hand he took his right hand ….palm flat and skimmed his palm over the tip of his dick very fast. It was weird and awkward….more awkward than watching a grown ass man jack himself off.

Long story short, I peaced out.

Two days later I got a text from him letting me know that I had left my phone charger at his house. Bump that, I wasn’t about to walk back into his apartment and watch him beat his dick like a pimp breaking a ho. I politely told him that I had another phone charger and didn’t need the one I left at his house.

After that experience I realized, I didn’t need a rebound …..it was a huge reality check.

I didn’t think I would ever hear from him again, but 4 months later at 9am on a Saturday he texted.

Him- Hi Girly

(The only way I knew it was him was because he said “Girly” when we hung out he said girly a lot … I don’t know why, it was weird but I knew it was him.)

Me: Hi.

Him: I was cleaning the other day and found your phone charger.

( Dude, for real? Throw that shit away, get over it.)

Me: Oh, ha.

Him: Are you still single?

(This is definitely what I want to wake up to at 9am on a Saturday, was he kidding  me?)

Me- No.

Him- Oh, yeah, I started dating my ex again, but it didn’t work out.

Me- It never does.

Him- Did you at least miss me a little bit? Were you sad that I got back together with my ex?

(what a queer, no I wasn’t sad, I was glad you were no longer annoying me)

Me- No, I mean I was dating so much at the time, I didn’t care.

Him- Any boys cuter than me ?

(SERIOUSLY? Your dick is the size of my pointer finger and what kind of tool ask that?)

Me- Ha

Him- I wish you were laying in bed with me right now

(This dude is like Herpes, just when you think he is gone, he wakes you up at 9am being annoying)



I didn’t even respond after that because I didn’t know how to respond. Its been a while since I have heard from him but Herpes never goes away, so I wouldn’t be surprised if he flares up…I mean shows up again.