Tuesday, May 6, 2014

Water Sports

I apologize for not updating sooner.

I have been busy exploring my new city and loving my new job. I also had a “winter boyfriend” so I stopped dating for a while ….obviously. With that being said, when it comes to dating, Ohio has not disappointed. 

The time I made new best friends....

Name: Chris
Occupation: I.T.
Looks- Average

I moved to Cleveland May  2012 and was excited to meet some new people since I only had two friends here. I figured I would let one of those friends (the computer)  hook me up (or in online terms HMU ha ha).
Chris and I exchanged some emails and he seemed pretty lame so I did not expect much from meeting him.. Since I knew he was going to suck I didn’t want to put forth much effort. I did not want to get my car out of the garage (which is located one street over). So I told him to meet me at a bar down the street so I could walk there. (I know I am an asshole).
Now, I have been on a TON of dates some good, some bad and some horrible. I always try to make the best of them even the ones who suck because the way I see it I already have make up on and a decent outfit the least I can do is share a beer and try to find some common ground for an hour.
It was obvious that Chris and I did not have any common ground. We didn’t even have any common dirt.
During this date Chris decided to chat about how much he does not believe in God.
Listen, I don’t care! If you want to burn in hell that is your business, not mine. Ha ha ha.
If you know me, you know you “got to love Jesus to get into these pants” (as much as I would like to take credit for that saying…it isn’t mine). Atheists are the Jehovah’s Witnesses of non believers!
Anyway, the point is drink your beer and tell me how much you love Office Space.

Talking to Chris was painful.
I had two options. I could listen to Chris continue his rant or kill myself.
After thinking about it I decided my mom would probably be upset if I killed myself so I decided to tell him I was meeting my friends at the gay bar across the street.
This was a lie because I only had two friends. One of those friends was at home sitting on the counter the other friend was out of town.
The conversation was like this.
Me: “Ok, well I am meeting my friends across the street so I have to go after this beer.”
C: “Ok, so how does this work? Do I go with you or what?”
Me: (WTF?)  “Uhhhh, actually this is just a friend thing.”

Now, I thought that I could say good bye and walk back home to hang out with my friend the computer but noooooooo.

C: “I parked across the street so I will walk you over.”

Ok, now I thought oh, I will walk with him to his car in the parking lot and then walk home but nooooooooo.

Dude parked right in front of the door the gay bar!!!! ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!

So, now I have to go into the gay bar alone. I figured I will have one drink and then walk back home to hang out with my best friend Computer.

But guess what?!
The music took control of me and one beer turned into 15. The next thing you know, some gay guys want to motorboat my boobs but then some rando walking past the bar flashes everyone… full frontal.

I met some new people that night that I still hang out with! So it was a good time after all.

The next morning I projectile vomited on the walls of a fast food restaurant.  


Day Drinker

Name: Clark
Occupation: Sales
Looks: Average

This was one of the last  dates I went on in NC.
I spoke with Clark at 4:00 pm and he said he was at a bar we will call GM. with some friends drinking.
I don’t know who can go drinking at 4:00 pm but I just assumed “oh, that’s  just sales”
I figured that by the time we met at 7:00 he would be  drunk so I  asked him if he would like to reschedule he said “no”.

When I got to GM he was down the street “selling someone some football tickets”
He was easy to find because halfway down the street he started yelling my name. When he made his way over to me he yelled “wow your boobs are popping out”. To be fair they were. (You got to work with what you got am I right? Ha)
We go inside the bar.
Once we get inside the bar he looks at the strangers beside of us and says “I’m Clark This is Hj, she is my online date this is the first time we have ever met”.
I wanted die!

It was obvious that he was trashed.
I don’t know what it is about GM but two years prior I met someone there and by the time I got there they were obliterated. That guy spent an hour making jabs about my accent and telling me how he was “born with a silver spoon in his mouth”. When he left the bar he could barely walk.  
Needless to say GM has some heavy handed bartenders.

Clark continued to yell his whole conversation at me. We went outside where he yells “so are you trying to fuck?”.
Then we went to my car and fucked.

I responded “no, but don’t know until you ask huh?”
We go back inside the bar to pay for our drinks.
While I am standing against the wall I look over to see Clark telling another person “you see that girl over there that is my online date” that guy then turns around and looks me up and down and pats Clark on the back”
I tell him that my cab has arrived and that I need to go.
I go outside and jump in a cab. The cab driver says “are you Jennifer?”.
I should have said yes because when I told the cabbie I was not Jennifer he made me get out of the cab.
I had to wait outside for a new cab while hoping drunk Clark didn’t see me and start yelling again.
I figured since I already had makeup on I would meet my friends at another bar.

While at that bar we meet a bachelor party of married military men who spend the rest of the night trying to convince us to have sex with them.

I turn my head for one minute and my friends meet Harold from Harold and Kumar.

I miss everything. 

Friday, April 27, 2012

Your Boyfriend Is Gay

Most of these have all been said to me by an ex boyfriend.

1-When you catch him browsing M4M (Male for Male) on Craig’s List his response is that "the profiles with dick pictures make him laugh."

2- On movie night, you want to watch The Change Up, he wants to watch Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.

3- On Valentines Day, you put on something sexy, he says “Can’t we do it tomorrow?”.

4- When your gay friend comes over to your house his Grindr application indicates that the nearest gay man is 2 feet away. The only other person in the house is your boyfriend.

5- The week he goes out of town every year to “visit family” also happens to be Gay Pride Week. You are never invited.   

6- He always has carpet burn on his knees.

7- When you go to bed, he builds what he calls a “Pillow Fort”, you are told to stay on your own side of the fort

8-He prefers to visit a male massage therapist because “their hands are stronger”.

9- Your panties continue to disappear; he says he has no clue where they are.   

10- He thinks sports are “dumb” but turns down sex to play Fat Princess all night on PlayStation.

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Im running out of gross things to say.

If a girl ignores your first three emails, chances are she does not want to have sex with you. 

Sunday, March 18, 2012

Good Response

"Why are you single" is the dumbest question you can ask someone who is single. I don't know what his response has to do with my answer or his question.

You basically have three choices ......

You can come over to my house for some of the worst tasting beer ever made or we can go to Dicks Sporting Goods or TJ MAX.
He said "Im not trying to get you over to my house" sooooo was he hoping to take the mentioned "Bud Light" and "Three Olives Vodka" to TJ Max?

This is the caliber of men who email me.

Tuesday, February 28, 2012

The Smell of Crotch.............................................Rocket.

Name John
Age 27
Looks: 6 out of 10

I woke up and decided to go for a run at the nearby park. While at the park, I spotted a guy with a dog in the distance. At the time, I did not have a dog and was dog crazy. I wanted to meet the guy but he was on the other side of the park. There was only one thing I could do, I started running like I was being chased. I caught my breath and then did my best “omg this dog is so cute, omg, omg yahh omg omg omg omg yah omg” or something like that. We made small talk for a bit and then he asked if I would want to go out sometime. As I was leaving he said “so if I call you, are you going to remember who I am” he could obviously tell by the look on my face, I did not remember his name even though it had not even been an hour since he introduced himself . I was super embarrassed and convinced that he thought I was retarded (I am). I may not have remembered his name, but I did remember the name of his dog.I should have been less worried about sounding like a retard and more concerned as to why a guy would ask me out despite the fact  I had not brushed my hair and  was wearing my beloved Old Navy sweatshirt with the neck cut out. ( Kelli Kapowski style.) 

He was able to overlook my attire and see me for the stunning knock out that I am. Just like I was able to overlook the fact that he was unemployed and living at home with his parents as a way to “help them out”.     (I was not aware that freeloading off your parents was considered helping them )  He called and asked me if I wanted to go “four wheeling in West Virginia, with him and his friends”. I am in NO way above four wheeling. I love to get drunk off of shitty beer while dodging trees at a high speed. (Helmet on of course!). However, I did not know this guy and I sure as shit didn’t  know his friends.  As far as I was concerned, he basically just asked “Hey do you want to go into the woods with me and my friends and then get gang banged ?” Needless to say, I put the kibosh on the gang bang option of the date fast. I mean, I may get gang banged, but its going to be a sneak attack, not something I basically agreed to do in the woods. (I have been to West Virginia). Then he asked me if I wanted to go “tubing down the river”. Again, nothing is more fun then getting drunk off of shitty beer and  sun baking your way down the river, but this did not sound like a good first date. I mean any other time,I would be packing the cooler and caking on the SPF 40, but not on a first date. What the hell am I going to do if I realize I hate you and I am stuck floating down a river with you for 4 hours. I can’t really float faster.

 If you notice, all of the things he suggested have something in common…..yes, they are all outdoor redneck activities…they are also FREE activities.  I am not bashing him, I would have been  more than happy to have done both of his suggestions at a later time, but not on a first date. If he didn’t have any money, he should not have asked me out (KIDDING) he could have suggested something less creepy like getting coffee or going to the park to walk his adorable dog.

We made plans to go out for dinner (two days later). The day that we were supposed to go out was cold, and cloudy. He called a couple of hours before date time and this is how the conversation went.

We talked a few minutes about how nasty the weather was and how it was supposed to rain.
Mid conversation he asked me if I had ever been on a motorcycle. I said if by motorcycle, you mean Harley then yes … but if by motorcycle you mean Crotch Rocket, no.  He proceeded to talk about his Crotch Rocket for 27 hours. (Look, I think crotch rockets are great  but we all have to accept there are certain things we were not made to do. One of the things I am not made to do is sit on the back of a crotch rocket. I am almost 5’10 I do not belong on a seat the size of a Tic-Tac. I have long legs and a big head, I am not trying to tip anything over. The back “seats” of Crotch Rockets were made for little Asian girls. Its sad and hurts my heart but these are the facts of life. My head has been this size since birth (my mom still can't walk right) I have accepted it.
Of course, I did not tell him that I was afraid my giant head would tip his bike, I pointed out that it was cold and probably going to start raining in the next hour (which we had just discussed.)
Now, if he flies off the handle because I don’t want to ride the bike and because he has to spend money, how is he going to act when he buys me dinner and doesn’t get any of my sweet, sweet deserts (my desserts are actually gross and bitter, but you get the point).
I politely told him that we should wait until another day. Then he started screaming I KNEW THIS WOULD HAPPEN, I KNOW SOMETHING WOULD HAPPEN TO PREVENT US FROM GOING OUT, I JUST KNEW IT.  (uh, yeah dude, yourself.)
I hung up the phone all scared like, while looking out the window to see if he was on the other side giving me a dead stare. To this day, whenever I hear the buzz of a Crotch Rocket I cringe and wonder if the driver “smells like motorcycle”.

Monday, February 6, 2012

You want to eat my what?

Last night I got this email from this winner. I don't know his name but he indicated on his profile that he drinks "often". My dad likes to drink "often" so we are going to call him Dennis (after my father). Wait, you know what, I started typing the conversation out and I just can't use my fathers name, its way to creepy. Lets just call this fool. Tom.

When I got all these emails, I was going to ignore them and go to bed......but, I just couldn’t. Enjoy.
Dennis: TOM:I want to eat your pu$$y.

WOW! Really? First email huh? No hi, or anything, just right to the point huh. My favorite part is that he was bold enough to type that but not bold enough to spell out the word. What a gentleman.
I guess he figures if he throws it out there enough he will eventually catch something ......I am sure he will, it will probably be an STD.

Me: What is pu$$y?

Dennis: Tom: Do you squirt? Do you get wet?!

WOW! Seriously there is NOTHING in my profile that would give anyone any reason to email me these kind of emails. And no, I don't look like a whore in any of my pictures....I mostly just look like a loser in all of them.

Me: I think you meant to ask me if I have ever had the refreshing beverage Squirt. Wow! I can't believe anyone other than me even remembers that soda! Yes! Yes, I have had the delicious citrus carbonated goodness of Squirt. Thank for asking me such an odd question, you must really be interested in getting to know me. As for your other question about getting wet. Yes, when swimming, if I am caught out in the rain without an umbrella or if I am involved in a water balloon fight, I do get wet. I have a funny story about water balloons......lets just say you should NOT freeze them before throwing them at someone. Anyway, thank you for such thoughtful questions.

Tom: I want to eat your ass!

WOAH! We got a nasty one on the line! Emailing someone and asking to ATM them (Ass To Mouth)...who are these dudes?! Look, you need to go to Craigslist with the rest of the perverts.

Me: HA. I think you meant to type BASS. I bet you are very embarrassed now huh? Ha. Don't be, that’s an easy mistake. I mean even though the "A" is on the home typing row and you hit it with your pinky and the "B" is in the bottom and you hit it with your pointer, I guess it could happen. Anyway, sorry to disappoint you, but I have not made any Bass or any fish dishes for that matter so it is impossible for you to eat my delicious Bass.

Tom: You are kidding me, you can't be serious

Me: What do you mean? I don't understand

Tom: WTFE! This means what the fuck ever

Me: What does that mean?

He was actually pretty easy to run off.

That was fun. Now lets analyze his profile.

I am probly the most underestimated and confusing person to understand (Probably because you do not use spell check), I look ferocious (If by ferocious, you mean white trash then yes you do)but am a gentle giant (Uh, no, you are 5'10!) lol, I have a pitbull named (of course you do), Z---- (Really? Your Pitbulls name starts with a Z. Is there a white trash handbook out there that tells you how to be White Trash ?)...I own my own house and car (Why do people think this is something to brag about? YOU ARE AN ADULT, you should have a house and a car),  I tired of girls who just want to rush into a relationship b4 gettting to know me completely (I am sure after they  got to know you, they would not want to be in a relationship with you), (Also, how are you going to get mad at some poor  girl with Down Syndrome who would agree to date you? You just solicited me to let you eat my ass)I am a better friend than a relationship guy at first but not afraid to see where things go. Ask me more Im an open book.

I think you mean that you are a better friend to girls than a boyfriend. Which is weird because I am sure if we were friends you would still want to eat my ass. It would be weird... I imagine we would be going to watch a movie and the whole time you would be saying "yo girl, let me stick my face in your butt". Or maybe you mean that you don't want a relationship, you just want to eat ass. I don't know. I do know that if you were a book, I would burn you.


Sunday, February 5, 2012

The time I could have gotten Herpes.

Name: Travis


Looks- 9 out of 10

So my boss was friends with Travis and after he met me, he wanted to make me his women (duh, who doesn’t?). Travis was really cute and tall, so I was open to the possibility of becoming his women. He started coming by my job on days that he knew I would be there (stalking me, ha ha just kidding). Anyway we started talking on the phone, we were on our way to planning a date. One night while on the phone, we were both watching the same tv show and therefore had the same commercials. All of a sudden a commercial for Genital Herpes medication came on. So I am laughing and I said "Wow, having herpes would really suck." Then Travis replied with "Yeah, it does". I waited for the laughter, I waited for, JUST KIDDING, I waited for a minute but he never said any of that. How was I supposed to respond to that? My boss must have really hated me because I think she knew he had Herpes.

Ok, so then we hung up the phone and I NEVER talked to him again. Let me make it clear, I did NOT have sex with Travis and therefore do NOT have Herpes. Ok, everyone, I do not have herpes, Travis does and Herpes is a deal breaker for me.

Thank you.

Despite what your friend tells you, I did NOT sexually harrass her.

Name- Eli
Occupation- Retail
Height- 5'10
Looks- 6 out of 10

As I sit here and write this while drinking my coffee and dealing with a headache, I realize there is a great possibility that Eli will see this post. Eli, if you are reading this, don't be offended. I have to tell this story for a couple of reasons. People want to know and it's a funny story. What do you expect from me? I am a comic. That being said, I am going to tell this story like it happened. As always, I will also include the parts that even make me look bad. Here goes.

Eli and I went out a couple of weeks ago for Sushi. He was not as tall as I like them, and he was average looking, but he was funny. He picked up the tab for Sushi which was an upgrade from most of my dates.

We ended the night with a hug and went our separate ways. Oh, I forgot to mention Eli is deaf, not 100% Marlee Matlin deaf but he is deaf. To be honest, you could barely tell, he could talk.

Over the week we texted and he asked me to go out again the following week.

We decided to meet for lunch. Things were going well, I am not going to lie, I thought he was a cool guy. After lunch we go out for drinks. We are talking, laughing and having a good time. Then he said "last night, you asked me what I was doing and I don't know why I didn’t tell you, but I was on a date" Woah dude, I don't care if you are on a date or not, you aren’t my boyfriend and this is our second date, do you know how many dates I went on in the past week (None, but still)

He said that he got annoyed because he drove about 30 minutes away because he thought it was "a sure thing" and then she did not put out. Why are you telling me this?!

So that reminded me of a story about a crazy girl I know who banged some guy on the first date and then got upset that it did not turn into a relationship. I said the girls name which is VERY uncommon name but for this story we will call her Sally. So Eli was like "Sally who? Did she used to work at____"

Long story short, yes she did and so did one of my good friends and about 10 other people that I know. So, you know I sent a text to all my friends that worked at ____ I texted about 7 people asking them if they knew Eli. I got these texts back:

"Ask him how long he nailed Sally for?

"Ask him if he still records himself having sex with co workers in the office and then lets everyone watch it".

"Yeah, I used to work with him, he sexually harassed everyone at work and got in trouble many times for it".

"Is he still wearing his ankle bracelet from when he got arrested for stealing from work?"

"Yeah, he had a green card marriage with some girl."

Up until this point I had not smoked, sometimes I smoke when I drink but I had not because I did not want him to know. Well, as I am getting bombarded with text reviews about Eli, the smokers were passing me to go outside. I went outside. As we are smoking, I am telling the random smokers about this. They love it, they are laughing, they think its hilarious blah blah blah. They love me. I am their Queen! We go back inside Eli is gone, I thought he had ditched me (I would not have blamed him, I mean he probably knew that I knew all his dirt). However he just went to the bathroom, probably to text crazy Sally to tell her he was on a date with me.

The smokers are still loving me, and start buying us shots!

Now somewhere between them loving me and buying Eli and me shots they change their mind and decide that I am not worthy of their love anymore. I am guessing Eli worked his charm on them. A charming deaf guy will always win the love of the crowd. Before I know it, I am getting lectured "You are a mean bitch, you are treating that guy like shit (I was not, I was still there with him, acting like I didn’t know he was a felon). I guess since I told them that I was going to "ride the free drink train" for a while that made me a bitch. However 20 minutes before that they were sending me free drinks too.

The crowd that was giving me shots and cigarettes had decided that I was a devil bitch. "I have a ten year old daughter and I teach her to treat people the way she wants to be treated, and you need to do that too" WHOAH, now I am getting lectured by a drunk mom.

I was to drunk to ask her how she would feel if her daughter was on a date with a creeper who taped his co workers having sex. And I just really wanted a cigarette so I was trying to say what they wanted me to say, but they were not falling for it. I did say, "he should be glad that I am still here" but then they said "YOU should be glad that he is still here with you". WHAT THE HELL, I WAS BEING NICE TO HIM, I WAS STILL THERE AND ACTLING LIKE I DIDNT KNOW ABOUT ALL THE CREEPY STUFF HE DID ..... HOW AM I THE BAD GUY? Now, I am not proud of this in no way, but some how Eli and I started making out....then I invited him to come back to my house. Why? I don't know!!!! I have never in my life asked a guy I was on a date with to come back to my house. FACTS, WHY WOULD I LIE TO Y'ALL ?

Eli said "I would love to but I have to stay here with my friends". Oh, yeah I forgot to mention two of his friends showed up to witness my drunkenness and hear some random bar folk tell me what a mean bitch I was. It was time for me to leave. Eli had worked his charm on the smokers.... (they say Ted Bundy was an extrememly charming man as well)
I had to get out of there I was Frankenstein's Monster and the only thing the smokers were missing were torches.

Soooooooooo, after I pulled over in some random sub division, popped a squat and peed for what seemed like 30 minutes, I found my way to my friends house, who made sure I got home safely.

Now, I didnt think I would ever hear from Eli again, but sure enough he started texting me this morning.
He said that he really wanted to come home with me but he already had plans with his friends I told him that he would have been disappointed because we would have just played darts all night to which he replied "I would have raped you.......in darts". Uhhhhhh, I think that he though that I was using "play darts" as euphemism. I am sure he knows that I know about all his dirty secrets, I don't know why he would continue to text me..I guess he, unlike me has no shame. This morning, I am full of shame and not because I peed in a sub division camping style.

The latest text I got from him "The friends you made at the bar were cool" FML

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

I can bearly wait to meet!!!

So I get an email from a guy saying "Hi". I was not interested in speaking with him,so I did not respond. 
He follows up with a second email 
Him- let me give u oral sex.. i promise u will love it. i can do it forever. and i enjoy it
Seriously, who the hell are these guys? 
Me- Are you retarded
Him-  Why
I realized I could have some fun with him 
Me- Nevermind. Yes, Yes you can my vagina is really hairy 
Him-No problem, I will do whatever you like for as long as you like
Ugh, It is going to be hard to get rid of this one 
Me- I also have a large tattoo of a bear on my vagina
Him-really?.. wow never saw that... can u cum in the man's mouth?
That is his response to "large bear tattoo on my vagina?"Ugh
Me-Its a very large tattoo it covers my whole vagina and requires me to be hairy 
Him- mmmm do you have a picture? 
Me- Yes I do (which I got off the internet), Grrrrrrr

                              Photo Credit -http://freakgbp.blogspot.com/2011/04/tattoo-artist-sorted.html

Him- What is that? 
Me-My vagina bear tattoo, his name is Carl, do you like it?
Him- Yeah, lets meet
Me- I can't leave my house for the next couple of days, I am waiting on my orthopedic shoes to come in
Him- Ok, another time. 
Wow, the orthopedic shoes got him


Sunday, December 25, 2011

Stranger Danger

I had been texting with a guy we will call David blah blah blah he annoyed me. Yesterday I get an email from him on the dating site introducing himself.....uh, we just talked last week retard. Well then last night I get a text from him
Dude- What are you doing tonight? I want to see you girl.
(Huge pet peeve is when people call me girl, I have a name use it, or don't say anything at all, just say, "I want to see you")
Me- Who is this, I got a new phone (fact)
Dude- Its me David, I want to kick it with you tonight sexy girl, Movie and drinks at my place. (Uh, you are a 32 year old man white man, why are you saying kick it?, also Im not 15 I know what "movie" means, why don't you just say "do you want to come over for drinks and rape?")
Me- I don't go to strangers houses
Him- Well not sure what will be open tonight, we can meet in a public place
Me- I am in bed (11:30, Christmas Eve) and my family is in town
Him: Ha ha ha good one, ok have a good night .

Me-Uh, why is it so hard to believe that I am in bed at 11 30 and that my family is in town for Christmas? What kind of degenerate loser are you that you are available to meet a random person on Christmas Eve, go find a family and a life!

Merry Christmas 

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Let's play a game!

Name: Michael

Occupation: Owns his own company, former sales person
Age: 33

Location: Starbucks and Wine Bar

As I write this, I am so mad that I can  barely form sentences, fuming. Michael and I agreed to meet at Starbucks for coffee. When I arrived, he was already getting his coffee, which was fine, but it would have been a nice gesture to wait on me to order. He obviously did this so he would not have to buy my coffee. This way he looked like he got there before me and just decided to get his coffee while he waited on me to arrive. That’s fine, I am a big girl, I can buy my own coffee. We sit down and start to chat. I won’t bore you with the conversation. I will say this, Michael had the most country accent I have ever heard. I am talking Boomhauer times 4. One sentence he said that I found amusing was "yea, I used to date one of dem der girls that worked at dat club Budder" for those of you who don't know Butter!.   However, I can’t really judge someone’s country accent seeing as how my southern twang is so pronounced that if I were ever on tv, I would need to be subtitled. Michael was cute, but not cute enough to get in my pants. I could also tell that he was an old school sales person. For those of you who don't know what an "old school sales person"  is think of a  used car salesman circa 1985, or someone who would open up the inside of their jacket and say "would you like to buy a watch". That is the kind of vibe he gave off.

While we spoke, I noticed it was hard for him to sit still, he was either nervous, tweeking on Meth or  had adult A.D.D. Judging from his random topic conversations, I am pretty sure he had A.D.D. I asked him what he did before he owned his own company, he told me that he worked for X company. It just so happened that I knew someone that worked at X company. So I text that person (later in my car as I was following Michael to the wine bar, not on the date).

The conversation was interesting enough. The way I saw it, I was already dressed and there, I might as well just continue to chat it up. He suggested a nice wine bar that we should go to, I like wine so I figured what the hell. *Side note - I know why he suggested coffee first. Guys have started doing this as a way to “screen” girls. If they like your face, they will suggest going somewhere else, if they don’t like you, then coffee is the date. Now, I had texted my friend “Do you know Michael Blank” to which my friend responded “I know of him, but I don’t know him” I said what do you know about him. My friend responded and said, “he is crazy” I said, “Crazy like me or crazy like Jeffery Dahmer ?” No response….uhhhh this probably isn’t good…..I SHOULD have turned my car around and went home.

We arrive at the wine bar and the atmosphere was awesome. Before we ordered wine Michael said, “I can tell you are an adventurous girl (duh) let's make a bet” . He said “ I will ask you five questions, you have to get all five questions WRONG, if you do, then I will buy our first round” Basically it would be questions like, “ What color is the sky” any answer other than blue would be correct. I knew of games like this. I agreed.

Question one : “ What state are we in ?”

Answer: South Carolina (We were in NC, so I got this one right)

Question two: “ What color are your eyes?”

Answer: Green (My eyes are brown, so I got this one right)

Him: Let me see, (looks closer) oh yeah, your eyes are beautiful (duh) , me - “I bet you say that to everyone” (He is obviously distracting me) him: no, but seriously have you ever played this game before?

Me- No… BOOM HE GOT ME! He sneaked a question into our conversation, and messed me up. I had never played the game before therefore, I should have said yes. Touché Michael, well played.

We order our wine.

We don’t ever order round two (which would have been the drinks he was supposed to pay for).

Tab comes, I really thought he would say something like “oh I was just kidding with you, I will get drinks”

He didn’t.

Now, I am not a gold digger looking for a meal ticket. I don’t ever suggest getting dinner on a first date because I would feel bad for letting a guy pay. I don’t order the most expensive thing, because I think that’s rude when someone else is paying. If a guy pays for the movie, I pay for snacks. I try not to take advantage of guys just because I have a vagina. I am not a stuck up b, but if a guy asked you out and it’s a first date, he should pay. Her most definitely should not trick you into paying for his drinks as well as yours.

I don’t get paid until the end of the week. I am broke. I certainly don’t have money to be spending on drinks let alone mine +1. I literally had to use my credit card to get these drinks.

We leave.

While walking out of the wine bar, I was in shock, I could not believe what had just happened to me.

Now if you will excuse me I have to go make sure he didn’t pick my pockets me while he walked me to my car. FML.

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

PicNic Boy

As I type this, I find myself asking myself "are you really going to tell strangers this story?” And the answer is...... I have came this far, the book has already been opened. Here goes......

Now this story is about 4 years old and I like to think this story ...... like a few other of my stories can be chalked up to being a young early 20 something. Moving on.....

Name: Harrison

Age-23 ish

Occupation: Banker

I don't even know where to begin. Ok let’s start with what you SHOULD not do when online dating.

You should NOT let someone know where you live or come to your house after one date.

You should not think that any phone call/text after 11pm is going to end with anything other than regret and shame.

Having said that, I had a date with Harrison we watched a movie. After the movie, he said "I really want to hang out with you longer, but I don't know what we can do". I suggested coffee....he said No, he didn’t drink coffee. He suggested we go back to my place and play my awesome Super Nintendo (shut up, I like old school toys). Now, refer to what you should NOT do above. I thought to myself I already sat in a dark theater with this dude, for two hours I practically know him (Im being sarcastic). In all honesty, we had been talking for a while and I felt comfortable....there wasn’t one of those "gut feelings " saying WARNING ...WARNING ... THIS GUY IS A RAPIST.

We go to my house for shitty beer and Mario 3, which I of course dominated in.

We make out, boy goes home, nothing interesting.

Two days later, I get a text after 11pm asking me if I wanted to "hang out". I thought, "you know what, you only live once, you just got out of a very long relationship, you are young, and kind of a goody goody, just because dude comes over with the expectation of sex, doesn’t mean you have to give sex" See above for things you should not do.

Boy comes over, we make out .... we make out a lot. I know I am not going to have sex with this guy but like I have stated in previous post......if a guy wants to go down on me ... who am I to deny him that? Afterwards, dude was not shy about expressing what he wanted me to do in return. My thoughts are you shouldn’t give a gift and expect one in return so I told him "no, its different for girls to do that". He was obviously not amused, rightfully so. As he was getting ready to leave and I was trying to make nice by sitting on his lap on the couch (I don't know why I am sitting on his lap, I just am, leave it alone). He said to me "well what do you want out of this? do you want a boyfriend? do you want to go on picnics and shit?". Now the voice in my head was saying "omg YES, I love picnics, OMG, OMG, OMG I love picnics and I love you omg, love me" but instead I said "ugh, nooooo".

He left, we didn’t talk much after that, I don’t know why ha.

Fast forward 4 years to an older and more knowledgeable HJ.

I had just got out of a relationship and one day I get a random text from Harrison.......I don't know how he knew I was single. We texted, for a while and he eventually asked me "what I was looking for". I said well " I want to date someone and eventually see where it goes" he said " me too" I said, "no you don't, you want to randomly hook up with someone"

He didn’t respond, neither did I. Needless to say, I am still waiting to go on a pic nic.